I believe it’s beyond the power of humans to maintain communal kitchens. In every workplace and share house I’ve occupied, visited or heard about, there have been tea room or kitchen dramas:

• One poor, abused soul does all the cleaning.
• Emails fly about brown, furry things in the fridge.
• People tip half-full mugs in the just-run dishwasher.
• The cutlery draw is empty; everyone has private utensils.
• No-one does any cleaning, so all use foam cups and paper plates.
• Disembowelled food platters are abandoned (for discovery by VIPs).
• Posters invoking health, family, decency and community are torn down overnight.

I’ve seen every plea, order, threat, prayer, ultimatum and roster. All have failed. I’ve therefore summoned the power of poetry. I hope that by printing and posting my poems in your trouble spot, you’ll make a difference. Here they are, in your choice of rhyming couplet or haiku:

Tea Room Poem

When holding a wet teaspoon,

Prithee, stop and think:

‘Shall I wash and dry the bastard,

Or chuck it in the sink?’

Imagine all your workmates

Gathered at your side;

Fondling their bread knives

As you try to decide.

Picture sixteen Staysharps,

Keen and cold and true,

Dicing you to dog food

And you’ll know what to do.

Tea Room Haikus

#1 Teaspoon

I am the teaspoon.

Many use me, few wash me.

I reside in filth.

#2 Teaspoons

We drown inverted,

The blue mug our common grave.

A cradle of germs.

#3 The Zen of Teaspoons

If a teaspoon falls

In the sink and no one sees

Will it wash itself?

#4 Idle Spoons

Clean and dry at last!

Not for us the kitchen drawer.

On the sink we laze.

#5 Thoughtless Acts

Like Yin in our Yang,

Sugar flecked with coffee lumps

Flaws each perfect tea.

Knock yourself out, send a photo of these poems at work to megan.wilson@myob.com and let us know if they do the trick!

While we’re waiting, what’s the most hideous tea room tale you can tell?

Alternatively, excoriate my dismal theory by tabling your shining example of a functional communal kitchen.