True love at last?

Thank you for reading Part 1. (If you haven’t, here it is.)

So there I was, clutching my mouse mat with anticipation of my bank’s direct message (DM).

Sure enough, it came through, requesting my contact number.

I replied that, since all prior phone conversations had failed, I’d rather communicate by email.

My bank agreed, so I sent my email address.

Minutes later, my phone rang.

Cold Call

It was my bank:

Hi, Paul it’s Con* here. I understand you’d like to talk about your home loans?

Hi, Con. Did you just get referred to me by your Twitter colleague?

Yes. Now, how can I help you?

Did your Twitter colleague not tell you I wanted to do this via email?

It’s my preference to do it by phone, Paul. Now, before we start: this call may be recorded for training purposes …

Con, I don’t want to do this by phone.

No worries, Paul; what’s a good time to call you back?

I got off the phone and DMed my bank. Having since deleted our DMs in frustration. it went something like this:

Nice. I ask politely to be emailed and I get another phone call!

I’m so sorry! I specifically requested them not to call you.

I appreciate your efforts, and I realise big systems can thwart good intentions. But I feel I’m flogging a dead horse here.

I’m still really keen to help you.

Thank you, but never mind. It’s futile. I’ve wasted enough time on this exercise.

In a fit of pique, I then un-followed my bank, making it impossible for them to DM me. I scanned the public Twitter domain (where we’d met) to see if they’d try a shout out, but they didn’t.

Write Down

The next day, after writing Part 1 of this story, I realised my un-follow was churlish.

I was also possibly doing myself out of a (happy?) ending.

So I re-followed my bank. They were still following me, so my next DM got through (verbatim):

Me again. Now that I’ve written this up http://bit.ly/oJZEXh I realise I need to give you 1 more chance to help me via email …

… I’ll be writing Part 2 on Monday. How the story ends is up to you. Please, no more phone calls!

My bank DMed:

Hi Paul, I’ve escalated this & you’ll receive an email from our team tmrw as we’re still really keen to help

With my mouse mat now chewed to pulp, the email finally arrived:

Hi Paul,

I hope you are well.

Barry* from the Twitter team has asked if I can help you with your Home Loan enquiries.

Firstly, please allow me to apologise that a call was made to you despite your request for an email only. I assure you our intention was to provide you with a high level of service it was not to cause you any frustration.

To help me get the information you are after regarding interest rates can I ask that you explain what you are after in terms of your lending.

For example the Line of Credit is not actually a product offered by SomeBank* so we can not offer a comparison. However perhaps if we change it to variable rate loan we maybe able to offer something on the interest rate?

Just so you know I have already been in touch with your banker regarding your loans so we can see what we can do for you, he just wants a little background information so he can respond appropriately. Also we will communicate as much as possible via email however there maybe times where it is best to chat via the phone.

I look forward to your email and seeing what we can do for you.

Sheryl*

Specialised Case Manager

Special Treatment

I certainly felt like a specialised case. But would there be management? I emailed:

Hi, Sheryl.

Many thanks for your email.

Thanks also for contacting my banker. (Who is he, by the way, and where?)

This is my current situation:

LOC:               6.97%

HOME:           7.17%

Yet I’m seeing rates as low as 6.69% from several institutions.

I consider myself a stable and reliable client. (Please correct me if I’m wrong!)

A glance at my accounts will show my financial situation is steadily improving.

I’d like to forge a long-term partnership with you guys so that when I’m black in the black, you can handle my investments.

I’d therefore like my two rates to reflect what the market is offering.

I’d also like a break on my annual and monthly fees.

Most of all, I’d like to achieve a positive result without any more faffing around.

I’d like you to say what you can do, rather than what (and why) you can’t.

If you can’t do anything for me, that’s cool. Just say, ‘SORRY PAUL, NO CAN DO!’ and I’ll move on.

I’ve invested so much time trying to communicate with you guys, I’m very, very close to the point where it’s just not worth the effort.

In trying to save less than $2000 per year, we’re really not talking sheep stations.

I could’ve (should’ve!) earned that much in the time I’ve invested in this process.

I’m trying to be reasonable, Sheryl; but if you disagree, we should probably just call it quits.

I don’t want to waste your time too.

Best regards, thanks again and good luck!

P.

Sheryl emailed:

Hi Paul,

Thanks for a prompt reply.

I have included your banker Bert* into this email so you can both have some fruitful conversations about your loans.

Bert will be able to assist you and take a look at your profile and see what we can do.

Dont worry I will be here in the background to make sure you are taken care of.

Have a great weekend.

This was better. I felt like I’d made progress.

Maybe, just maybe, I would have a great weekend.

…

Then I heard from Bert.

<<<<<<    INTERMISSION 2!     >>>>>>

Egad! We’re still not done!

Will Bert save the day or sink the fleet?

Will professional passion trump passive aggression?

For the answers to these and other mind-snapping questions, don’t miss the (final?!) gripping episode of: A Fool & His Money, Part 3!

Meanwhile I warmly welcome your ideas, observations and stories.

 * Not his/her/it/their real names.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

Where have all the comments gone?

We love hearing what you have to say, and stories you might have, so fear not, you’re still able to comment!  We’ve moved the party over to our new place, The Pulse.  Come and join the conversation on this post here.

Money talks. Has it said anything to you lately?

Did you hear about the rather lucrative printer cartridge deal?

The highlight for me was the public servant who:

‘… bought enough black toner cartridges to supply the government department for 40 years — despite toner cartridges expiring after two years.’

As my taxes paid this person’s salary, I felt encouraged by her initiative and commitment.

Then I wondered if you’ve been stung by either end of the corruption cattle prod.

Tagged & Bagged

There are two sides to every story. And difficult times tend to throw these into high relief.

On one side, we have flawed humans with the power to make purchasing decisions.

On the other, hungry companies desperate to make a deal.

If a wad of loot were to find its way into a brown paper bag, and that bag were to find its way into a pocket, and the owner of that pocket were to award a lucrative contract, who would be the wiser?

This is a new area for me.

Whenever I’ve been desperate for business, I’ve been way too desperate to contribute to anyone’s slush fund.

When I’ve been in positions of power, the most I ever got was a bag of lollies from a printing firm.

Guilty!

Actually, now that I think about it, those lollies worked a treat.

They were red, like raspberries, but in the shape of a K.

Even better, they had a hard, chewy consistency (like the long-discontinued, sadly missed battleship lollies of my youth).

The flavour was intense.

The company was …

… it’s coming to me …

Kwik Kopy!

Yes! That’s right: that’s what the K was for!

A little bag of red jelly Ks came with each Kwik Kopy print order delivered.

It was a mere handful, but the effect was profound.

Enough, even, to make a man forget his aversion to phonetic spelling.

Whenever these arrived in the design studio, we fell upon them like orphan zombies.

After a few sugar hits, I started hassling the Production Manager to use Kwik Kopy

all

the

time.

Mea Culpa

And so I stand before you, a corrupt and broken citizen.

Will you flay my flesh or sympathise with my human failings?

Maybe you have even more shocking tales to tell.

Don’t be shy; there’s a lot of it about.

To get you thinking, I’ve provided some interrogation questions (sorted in decreasing likelihood of you ignoring them).

Confess!

Have you (or anyone in your business) ever:

• Taken a bribe?
• Offered one?
• Seen one change hands?
• Been beaten in a pitch because of one?
• Suspected as much?
• Been tempted to ‘grease the rails’ in your favour?

For the record, I once considered bribing my ‘builder’ to do what I’d paid him to.

But since he already had all our money (plus a lot more that didn’t belong to us) I realised the effect would be negligible.

It’s now down to you.

Think carefully.

And tell all!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

All this hit my letter box in just two days!

I must get a proper NO JUNK MAIL sign.

Each time my home-made one falls off, I have a Brazil moment.

Someone, somewhere, must benefit from this bumf.

But who?!

• Client companies?
• Ad agencies?
• Graphic designers?
• Printers?
• Paper mills?
• Plantation foresters?
• Walkers?
• Dogs?
• Customers?
• Australia Post?

Certainly not me. How about you?

Do you like receiving unsolicited print advertising?

Is (or was) it part of your business marketing mix?

Captive Audience

Keep Australia Beautiful and Eco Voice want us to read catalogues online

A fine idea. So far, they have … six.

Either it’s early days, or we really like ads in our letter box.

I’ve heard older people look forward to them as bona fide reading materials.

Perhaps the appeal is more widespread.

Perhaps I’m missing the point.

Here’s Australia Post’s take, with a handy link to Do Not Mail.

I wish they cared as much about their rubber bands.

My Do Not Fax registration ran out recently, but that’s another story.

Sign of the Times

With regard to stickers, I could move to Willougby where they’re giving ‘em away.

Maybe NO JUNK MAIL is too terse.

Perhaps I should go with the softer No Advertising Material Please.

I wonder if it makes a difference.

Boxed in

In one of my lean years, I tried a casual brochure delivery job.

By faithfully obeying NO JUNK MAIL signs, I had many brochures left over.

The distribution firm:

• Accused me of not doing my job.
• Ordered me to ignore the signs.
• Threatened to do spot checks in my territory.

When I later found great bundles of fliers dumped in vacant lots, I realised why I wasn’t trusted.

I also saw other ‘walkers’ in action. (Never any kids, though; unlike decades past.)

Some posted so carelessly, the merest zephyr strew their stuff across the street.

Not a good look for the firms who’d paid to feature.

I wrote to several, flagging their wasted budgets.

A couple replied, but without enthusiasm.

Here & Now

As our world hurtles to ruin, I feel the need to query unsolicited print advertising once more.

Therefore, do you:

• Make it?
• Get it?
• Use it?
• Love it?
• Hate it?

We’re at a crossroads.

Show us your papers!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

Blink and you may miss it.

Here’s a business tip I learnt the hard way:

If you get a gig, job, order, project, piece of work or commission, do it NOW.

If you don’t, it may not be there tomorrow.

For several reasons.

Unkind Cut

A large IT firm gave me 100 recruitment ads to critique.

I toiled for much of Easter, getting 50 done.

Then I rewarded myself with a couple of days off.

When my client returned to work, he found his budget slashed by overseas corporate masters.

He was forced to cancel the project.

He paid me for what I’d done, which was half of what I could’ve done, had I pressed on.

As this happened when I was just starting out, I felt the revenue loss keenly.

Mind Altering

I was asked to source radio jingles for an automotive firm.

I offered the job to Adam, who quoted $3000.

The client approved the quote and Adam pulled several all-nighters to write, perform and record some rippers in double-quick time.

But before I could send them to the client, she abruptly changed her mind and tried to cancel the project.

Fortunately, I still had her email approval, so we had her cold.

Had Adam waited a few days, he’d have missed out on a lucrative gig.

Off Balance

Of course, this hot-iron-striking advice flies in the face of all our warm fuzzies about taking care of ourselves in business.

We’ve had wonderful suggestions about negotiating realistic deadlines, operating within our limits, maintaining work-life balance and so on.

But as GFC II threatens, I wonder if we can afford to dawdle on such shifting sands.

Vexed issues are best handled by the fine minds that inhabit this space.

And so I put it to you.

Your View

When you get a piece of business, do you:

a)    Luxuriate in the prospect and do it as, and when, you see fit.

b)    Seize it as if it were your last meal on earth and devour it on the spot.

c)    Attend to it fairly smartly, but without unseemly haste.

d)    Handle it some other way (please describe).

?

The clock’s ticking.

Let’s get to work!

…

No?

…

How about later?

…

…

Never mind.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

To thrive in business, look beyond your game.

We can reasonably describe business as a game.
There are certainly winners and losers.
Gaming is an important analogy.
These days, it’s not enough to merely play the game.
Because chances are, your customers are playing the metagame.

What’s the Metagame?
The metagame comprises all out-of-game elements that affect in-game decisions.
You’re playing the metagame if:

• Having learnt from past poker nights that I’m a bluffer, you ‘see’ me more often.
• Having read that tanks are popular with wargamers, you proactively build anti-tank guns.

So what’s this got to do with business?

Creamed
I needed sour cream.
Out of sympathy, I went to the lady grocer being crushed by the new kid on our block.
She had cream, but it was a day past use-by.
I asked what became of post-use-by food.
She said she threw it away.
Given use-by dates’ error margin, I considered this a waste and a missed recycling opportunity.
So I asked if, since the cream had zero value to her, I could have it.
She said I could, if I paid for it.
Here the game ended, and the metagame began.

Game On
The grocer’s reply was understandable in the context of her business.
But not in the context of looming competitors and pedantic greenies (the metagame).
She alienated me by:

• Offering to sell a technically worthless item.
• Preferring to trash food rather than generate goodwill with a regular customer.

From wanting to support her, I couldn’t wait to cross the street to her rival.

Not Just Me
This thing scales.
When big retailers ran full-page ads demanding GST for online shopping, they ignored the metagame.
Instead of convincing government, they alienated their customers and drew even more attention to online shopping.
Tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions can lose you customers for life.
I grant that I’m a twitchy case. But in these tricky times, I don’t think any of us can relax in the comfort of our long-cherished (yet possibly quite perilous) perceptions.

The Tribe Speaks
What elements (if any) comprise your metagame?
Do your customers play it?
Do you?
Have you ever ditched a supplier (or lost a client) due to something way out of left field?
Tell us about it.
We love hearing your thoughts and stories.

Survivors ready!

…

GO!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

                                         Do your customers pay it forward?

I wasn’t going to do a tax post, but something unprecedented and rather special happened this week.

One of my newest clients asked if she could pay me a chunk of change now for work I’ll do next year.

After deliberating for several nanoseconds, I agreed.

I like this deal very much.

Your customers may too.

Tax Effective

Why would they pay in advance?

To claim you as an expense this financial year.

It seems some clients are real people, just like us.

I pay all my claimable bills by 30 June, even if they’re not due for weeks. I’ve seen this tactic described in every tax-tip article I’ve read.

It makes sense for my clients to do this too.

Of course, not everyone does it. Some accounts payable systems (and people) can’t (or won’t) exceed glacial speed for any reason.

But those who do get a handy tax break.

Future Fund

My client’s pay-it-forward idea is an elegant extension of this principle.

She’s working on a long, complicated article which she plans to let me whack into shape.

As she knows she’ll be using me, why not claim me now?

If you have regular customers, or know they’ll be using you next year, you could float this idea (naturally emphasising the benefit to them).

Risks

If I were a cad, I could make off with my client’s cash and live the high life in Koo Wee Rup – perhaps tormenting her with tart postcards.

Alternatively, she could accost me when I’m elbow-deep in another client’s website and demand that I drop what I’m doing to serve her.

The thing is (and please don’t laugh) we trust each other: we’ll conclude this deal when it’s mutually convenient.

When I sought her permission to write this post she said:

You may want to mention there’s a high level of trust, I wouldn’t do this with every man and his dog.

Also I got the idea because several years ago someone called and asked if they could send me a payment of $5K upfront for some marketing help.

I had no idea who this person was but someone had recommended me! It’s a good way to give yourself a kick up the butt to get work done ASAP.

I heartily concur.

Your Call

For all you know, some of your customers may be awash with funds, teetering on the threshold of a higher tax rate and desperate to pay something (anything!) forward.

I know that some corporate budgets, if not fully spent, reduce subsequent allocations.

As many managers are petrified of diminished funding, this could be your in.

As we’ve learnt from previous posts, you may have only to ask.

Maybe you already have.

• Have you?
• Will you?
• Why not?
• Couldn’t you use the loot?!

I see a bright future, adorned with your comments.

Ideally sooner, rather than later.

But better late than never.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

                                                  Not with those shoes!

As we’ve gathered a galaxy of brilliant brains to this blog, there’s something I wish to ask.

Something that’s been bugging me for decades:

Does exclusive actually mean anything in business?

I’m not sure it does.

A Lot of it about

Google yields 0.9 billion results for exclusive. That’s thrice more than for bread.

It’s obvious exclusive is widely used in commerce. There are firms who deal in exclusive:

• Backpacking.
• Photography.
• Hardware.
• Swimming pools.
• Catering.
• Wrought iron.

I can’t fathom who these firms are excluding, unless it’s prospects who are old, ugly, unco, poor, fat or frail. (That’s me gone!)

In these fragile times, it’s hard to imagine vendors knocking back anyone with a great wad of cash in their hand.

Am I being too literal again?

Raw Deal

The same reasoning applies to exclusive deals. I’ve never seen a deal that excluded anyone who had the loot to pay for it.

One furniture chain advertises their wares as ‘exclusive, not expensive’.

I’ve since found the same claim for products as diverse as paint, flowers, kitchens and real estate.

What the hell does it all mean?

Limited Patience

A further ploy is the use of ‘limited edition’ on everything from cars to laptops to numbered, collectable (adorable!) hand-painted newborn porcelain dolls with (gorgeous!) lifelike eyelashes.

I understand that creating an illusion of scarcity is a tactic to drive up price.

But does anyone really believe there aren’t 50 spare container loads out the back for every limited-edition product on offer?

Setting Limits

In my business, I exclude clients who lie, play mind games, set impossible deadlines, devalue my work or fail to pay.

But I exclude them after they actually do these things, not before they’ve even picked up the phone.

These days, the original exclusive brands like Louis Vuitton (1854) and Swarovski (1895) are anything but. (Especially in Japan, where they’re crazy for the stuff.)

These and other formerly exclusive names have become so endemic, they’re now called luxury brands. That doesn’t stop the hordes forking out top dollar for them.

Come in, Spinner!

So, exclusive; is it a:

• Hollow echo of the past?
• Throwaway term tacked on to evoke caché?
• Fair dinkum statement of business practice?

Do you exclude customers from your company?

If so, is the exclusion explicit or situational?

Can you name one brand or product for which exclusivity is a legitimate commercial device?

Space is limited (as is time).

So don’t miss out …

Comment now to avoid disappointment!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

                                     Some eBayers are less equal than others.

I’m pretty miffed at eBay.

Yet again, a firm has punished my loyalty by excluding me from special deals offered to new customers.

We’ve seen this time and time again.

My latest experience teaches the value of:

1. Avoiding sudden moves.
2. Keeping customers informed.
3. Ensuring your definition of ‘good’ matches theirs.

We’ll also see how ‘online chat help’ stacks up.

Good News

It began so well …

After seven years of dedicated eBaying, I’d earned a 100% approval rating from 391 customer reviews. (And if you’ve endured the cretins who try to rort eBay, you’ll know this is quite a feat.)

So I was delighted when eBay unilaterally tacked a PowerSeller logo to my name. I clicked it to learn that:

PowerSellers are a community of sellers who are recognised and respected for their selling efforts on eBay.

As pillars of our community, PowerSellers are committed to upholding and embracing the core values that are the very foundation of eBay.

They are exemplary members who are held to the highest standards of professionalism, having achieved and maintained a 98% positive feedback rating and an excellent sales performance record.

Yep! I thought. That’s me alright! Nice one, eBay. So what do I get? What do I get?

Bad News

What I got was an email offering a weekend of FREE ads.

This didn’t look like a PowerSeller-specific offer, but I was still eager to take the win.

It was timely, as I had 22 unsold items ready to relist.

I started to do so, only to find my ads were not going up for free.

After some exploration, I found fine print which said the offer excluded PowerSellers!

I was literally being punished for being a good guy.

We were only talking a few bucks, so I was confident of negotiating a solution via eBay’s online help chat.

Petra Fried

Thank you for contacting eBay Australia Live Help! Please hold for the next available Live Help representative.

…

Petra*. has joined this session!

Connected with Petra.

…

Hi! Thank you for contacting eBay, Petra here. Can I grab your full name please?

Paul Hassing.

Thanks and how can I be of help Paul?

It seems the deal of free ads over this weekend doesn’t apply to PowerSellers. Is this true, Petra?

…

Are you still there?

Yes I am here.

What free ads are you referring to?

I got an email on Friday offering no insert fees for all ads starting at $0.99. When I read the fine print, however, it said it didn’t apply to PowerSellers. This upset me, as I’ve just become a PowerSeller and I feel I’m being punished for my loyalty, while lesser eBayers are getting a better deal. Is this the case, or do I have my wires crossed?

Are you referring to this List your 99c Auctions for free?

Yes. The fine print says: *Not available to Store subscribers, accounts registered outside Australia, PowerSellers and business registered sellers.

I understand you would want to avail of the offer.

Let e explain this to you.

Yes for any offers there are terms and conditions also qualification just like of becoming a power seller.

Why you are not qualify for the reduced pricing? Because your fees are reduced already.

Much reduced than regular sellers.

How much?

It depends on your Powerseller Status as you were given discounts.

Also if you have a store insertion fees and final value fees are lesser too./

Right. Would you concede that, whatever discounts I now receive as a PowerSeller, they’re not quite as attractive as FREE?

Then it’s your option now.

Youc an opt out as a power seller.

Right. Would you also agree it’s a bit ordinary that, after 7 years, 391 positive comments and a 100% positive approval rating, it’s not unreasonable for me to wish I could enjoy the weekend benefit lesser eBayers are receiving as we speak?

It is your opinion and that is respected. Everyone fines something that suits for them depending on how they benefit from things being offered.

If you think that you can benefit more on not being a powerseller then it’s your point of view.

OK, Petra. Thank you for your time.

Welcome. It’s my pleasure chatting with you. Thanks for using eBay Australia Live Help. Whenever you’re ready please close the window.

Thank you, Petra. The pleasure has been all yours. Please note that this conversation may be recorded for training and blogging purposes.

No worries. If that suits you.

Bye.

…

Petra has left this session!

The session has ended!

Not Happy Jan

When eBay made me a PowerSeller, they didn’t consult me or explain the terms.

They assumed the new ‘benefits’ (of which I’m still unaware) transcended those I’d enjoyed as a lesser mortal.

Obviously they were wrong, and I feel decidedly unspecial about my treatment.

A celebration of steadfast loyalty has been botched for the sake of policy, procedure and a few bucks.

Nor do I feel keen to press on with further sales.

Maybe it’s time for a change.

What do you think of it all?

Has eBay sold out?

I bid you speak.

* Not her real name.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

Today we’re joined by Mike Boyle, Sales Scientist from Banjar Group. Mike feels that there is a lack of creativity in the business (and football!) community and shares his thoughts. Welcome Mike. Naomi

Having read the brilliant book ‘The Element’ by Dr Ken Robinson and wondering if creativity really was dead in Australia, unfortunately the committee for dumbing Australia down proved him right this week.

The book goes into detail on how many people have hidden brilliance, however until they find their perfect ‘element’, or environment, they cannot reach their full potential.  Of course, Dr Ken debates that current education systems around the world disable the creative element of our young  forcing them into production lines based on the pass or fail concept.  Steve Jobs, the Apple leader has proved that failing well can in fact return huge profits.

As 90,000 people prepared to enter the MCG* for the greatest home and away event in the AFL^ calendar, the classic Essendon/Collingwood Anzac day clash the cries of the week minded, unfit, poorly off, what about me brigade gained voice.

Give it to everyone they cried!

This brilliant creative concept was started by Kevin Sheedy, 27 year coaching legend and Alan McAllister, Collingwood president of the time some 18 years ago. It was ‘creatively’ built around the passion of throwing the Anzac Day celebration of lost/returned soldiers at war back into the spotlight through football. It worked and is still working today. Typically the doubters were many back then and not prepared to back the tireless efforts of these two famous clubs so they went it alone.

Those same doubters now want a piece of the action instead of using the power of creativity to come up with something better.

I want Australia to wake up. To create tradition, culture and community some things must remain the same and not change just for change sake. Likewise to create brilliant new things like the Anzac Day game we must encourage dreaming, innovation, risk taking and relentless creativity. Here are a couple of creative ideas for the rest of you:

- Sydney and Melbourne host a rival game in Sydney on Australia Day or Anzac Day in Sydney

- North Melbourne and Western Bulldogs host a western day in Ballarat where thousands saw the dawn service yesterday – they may get more than 20 thousand that way!

- 2 teams go to Turkey and host a Gallipoli Game on Anzac Day every year.

I see this lack of creativity every day. Look at the current retail behaviour in Australia. Just be on sale, all the time, every day so customers just wait for the next sale.

Seriously! It seems that the whole of retail Australia seem to be is on sale all the time.  Where is their creativity?

So really respect our Anzacs Australia by having a crack, working with your mates, never giving up and finding creative ways of building a better place for us all, that’s got to be better fun than sitting on your butts and singing ‘what about me’

If I didn’t get creative, have a crack or take risks, I wouldn’t be in business today.  What about you?

* Melbourne Cricket Ground

^ Australian Football League

Mike Boyle

Facilitator | Presenter | Coach | Sales Scientist from Banjar Group

                                                     Look don’t touch.

I’m as unfashionable as they come.

I thought the aim of fashion parades was to sell clothes.

This appears not to be the case.

Perhaps you can decode this unusual business practice.

Perfect Setting

It was a balmy night.

The parade was in a restored, century-old pier warehouse.

Outside, beautiful people were thick as flies; possibly thicker.

But with 30 girls for every guy, it was fun to take notes.

Object of the Game

We were there to witness six new designer ranges.

This wasn’t the insane haute couture you see on TV. Fonnie assured me there’d be items she could actually buy and wear.

Her excitement was infectious as we entered the twinkling interior.

This lost its potency when I found the bar closed, our seats tiny and the temperature raised.

We perspired among the preened as the show didn’t start.

Slow Time

Twenty minutes later, it did. Quite well, with a phalanx of golden beams rendering every face in detail.

Spotting two DJs and a pleasing array of bass bins, I looked forward to an uplifting anthem to put everyone in a buying mood.

What we got was …

Portishead.

Downer

I’d always associated this song with suicide.

So, apparently, had the set designers.

And the models.

Cold, harsh beams replaced lambent lights.

The models slouched into view, thin as World Vision brochures and with an attitude of utter ennui.

I looked to the wall screens, but they simply relayed what was happening in black and white!

I asked Fonnie what was going on.

She postulated that the down music, sad models and cold lighting were designed to make you look at the clothes.

As my restless eye settled back on the outfits, I realised this was working.

But it sure wasn’t fun.

Upper

At length, a couple of really nice sparkly outfits appeared.

Fonnie thought so too and jabbed my ribs.

‘Cool!’ I thought. ‘Not a total loss.’

I pictured clients snapping these up online via jewel-studded iPhones.

But this wasn’t the case at all.

When we got home, neither of the nice outfits was for sale on the designer’s website … or anywhere else!

Summary Execution

No grog. Crap music. Cold lights. Miserable waifs.

And items not available for purchase.

I’d do the exact opposite. Hell, I’d flog frocks in the foyer.

A fashion show seems a very odd way to do business.

Can you please explain it to me?

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire