Let’s assume for a mad instant that you’re taking time out from your business this holiday season.

‘Time out’ can mean you’re:

1. Uncontactable for the duration.
2. Planning to check in from time to time.
3. In the next room and not really having a break at all.
4. At your desk, playing Company of Heroes, until the next job hits your inbox. Or doesn’t.

What you do will affect what you tell your customers.

In a happy confluence of our recent ecard and letter posts, I received this email yesterday from a graphic artist with whom I share a client:

Great Stuff!

I was very impressed with Rob’s content and execution.

I like it because it:

• is novel and fun.
• is grateful.
• contains no hard sell. (In fact, it doesn’t even include a link to his website!)
• showcases Rob’s design talent. (And he’s no slouch with words, either.)
• details everything Rob will do to look after his clients.
• is effective. (What cad would hassle him during community work?)

Could it be Better?

Maybe, but not much.

The ALL CAPITAL BOLDED ITALICS are a little hard to read, but these elements are essential to the comic effect.

I think 19 December beats December 19^th any day of the week, but that’s no biggie.

As with Tom’s letter, there’s no salutation. But I’m a big boy.

And though it’s ‘only’ an email, I reckon its many meritorious elements carry the day.

Holiday Schmoliday

Because the sun never sets on The Empire, I’m working right through.

It’s Hay Season. The first in two years. So I’m ruddy well going to make some.

How about you?

Are you a 1, 2, 3 or 4 person this year?

What will you do?

And what will you tell your customers?

We can’t wait to hear.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

                                                ecards: sad or smart?

You may know my patchy attitude to Christmas cheer*.

I now see ecards are making a comeback.

At first blush, I consider these an abomination.

But, having chatted to my level-headed PA-to-CEO wife, I see there are several chapters to this Christmas carol.

So let’s take a closer look.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Firms like Enteract have taken ecards to a new level.

Bodgy artwork and tinny tracks have been replaced by swish designs and clever mail-merge techniques that add a new level of personalisation.

I must admit they don’t look bad at all.

Bah!

Enteract says its products, ‘Save time and thrill your customers …’

While the first is certainly true, I don’t know how ‘thrilled’ I’d be to get one of these things in lieu of a printed, posted, hand-written card.

Merry Christmas Trees

Then again, printing means paper and paper means trees. So am I the eco-terrorist for wanting the real thing?

Humbug!

But surely, sending your wishes by mail merge is the antithesis of a meaningful seasonal message?

Yule Tired

Then again, who among us hasn’t quailed at signing a pile of corporate cards, sending meaningless messages to clients we never see?

Perhaps ecards constitute extreme cleverness for a new generation.

Xmas Queer?

But what if it all went horribly WRONG – thus offending your entire workforce, customer base or client portfolio in one terrible moment?

Stranger things happened at a certain bank last week.

Jingle All The Way

Cost is another important consideration. Enteract promotes its ecards as, ‘From 10c …’

That would certainly make any comptroller’s Christmas.

Chocolate Coins

But to get that rate, you must buy 50,000 ecards!

Can anyone name an organisation with that many people on their Christmas list?

The more modest quantity of 200 ecards attracts a price of $1 each.

While this is cheaper than buying, signing and posting a physical card, you’re still paying a buck for an email.

Wish List

As you can see, my opinion is squarely divided on this matter.

It’s my dearest wish that you give us your view so we can wrap this debate.

Please help me get down the chimney

or off the pot!

*See Magic Fauxments, Gift Rap and Sole Trader Christmas Party.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

                                                   Is it him, or me?

From age nine, I was called a miserable cow, so-and-so, ratbag etc.

These appellations stuck and, as a mature businessman, I’m never sure if my world view is jaded or accurate.

So I’ve prepared a simple test.

You be the judge.

Half-Yearly Jubilance

Christmas in July is nearly here! (or is it Christmas in Winter now?)

Amazingly, I haven’t bought any greeting cards.

Despite the proud history and national resonance of this faux festival, I just can’t get into it.

I hope my clients forgive me.

Out of the Blue

I recall seeing my first faux signature in the 70s.

It shone like a beacon in a sea of black type.

It was bright blue, but depthless.

It lay on the surface – unpressed by human hand.

This device has since lost its charm.

Krystmys Karrde

Last Christmas, during the global financial crisis, I got a card from a supplier I hadn’t used for 11 years.

Once I got over the shock of their desperate use of a prehistoric mailing list, I studied the card.

Jeff had written: Stay Safe.

Rick had written: HAVE A GOOD ONE.

And Jason, Lars, Ron, Suri, Dick, Teresa and ‘AJ’ had all made their mark.

This was very nice, except I didn’t know any of them.

Nor had anyone actually written this stuff.

It was all printed.

HUGGZZ!!!

I’d long heard that providing ‘the personal touch’ is the ultimate way to connect with clients.

One contact used to send me beautiful cards for no reason at all.

Their flowing script depicted the loveliest sentiments.

Not only that, they used a different colour for each paragraph!

Not only that, my first name was used at every turn.

Can you imagine how silly I felt when I analysed these cards in light of this post?

They weren’t hand written. It was just a clever font.

There were no pens. It was merely four-colour printing.

It wasn’t personalised. It was simply a mail merge.

Am I?

For me, these tricks have put the ‘oh’ into ‘faux’.

They’ve also eroded my faith in people.

Perhaps I’m a sickly stick in the mud.

Maybe speed and volume (with a paper-thin sentiment veneer) are all we need these days.

Or do you perchance agree that faux is a bogus way to do business?

Tell us what you really think!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

I work alone from my home office. Running your own business is great, but it can make you a bit paranoid.

Last year was tough and, as my only employee, I really carried the can.

When December came, I felt a party was needed to reward effort and boost morale.

Before

I asked for volunteers to form a committee. Naturally, I was the only one who gave a damn. After squabbling over the budget, I decided not to allow partners.

I couldn’t agree on a venue, so opted to have the party at the office. I did the invite myself, after the printer said he couldn’t be bothered with such a small run.

The name tags didn’t take long either.

The RSVPs came back straight away, with 100% acceptance. I took it as a good omen.

I ordered light beer (someone had to look out for company liability) and a variety of appetisers. Even those horrible spurty asparagus vol-au-vents that burn your mouth.

I sourced a Portaloo in case there was a queue.

Anyone who’s organised a party knows what a time-consuming and thankless task it is. My sole reward for chairing the committee was that I got to choose where I sat.

During

I’d booked a limo for the night, but was the only one to cough up his share. It cost a fortune, since some idiot got the address wrong.

I arrived late because I didn’t want to be uncool. Even so, the cook, waiter, barman and DJ were the only people present. They seemed to be having a pretty good time.

The smoke, strobes and balloons were disorienting. I put up with it, recalling that I too had been young once. I’d authorised a taxi voucher, so I figured it was safe to have a tipple.

The barman gave me a drink with a funny name. It didn’t taste like beer, wine or orange juice.

The theme was ‘Fun with Fur’. I was disappointed when I saw another koala in the bathroom. Whoever it was must have also been upset, since they stayed there all night and wouldn’t talk to me.

The DJ refused to play my request, so I went outside to join the party games. I might be the boss, but I’m not aloof.

The limbo competition was a dead loss and blind man’s bluff took forever, but I won every other event except the three legged race (there were odd numbers).

The dinner was fine, though the Christmas crackers were impossible and some prankster rearranged the name cards. I ordered chicken but got beef and no one would swap. That’s gratitude!

In my speech I thanked everyone for coming. Despite having the best sales figures, I didn’t get a bonus; I’m so tight.

I did a quick change into Santa; I don’t think anyone realised it was me. Kris Kringle was a giveaway, but at least I got what I wanted. I even won the door prize.

The dessert wafers were so small, the waiter put two of them straight on my tongue. I left the party an hour later so as not to cramp my style.

Once I was gone, I really cut loose.

I did a skit taking the piss out of the boss. No one laughed – out of respect I guess. When the DJ played ‘Time Warp’ and ‘Nutbush City Limits’, everyone danced in time.

I fired up the jukebox when the DJ left, but someone chose the same song seven times. I quite like the Nolan Sisters, but I felt for those who didn’t.

I tried a conga line but it didn’t catch on, so I grabbed the company video camera.

I couldn’t find anyone to film except the koala in the bathroom, who also happened to be filming.

When the hired help had gone, I went outside for a ciggie. No one would let me back in and I had to smash a window. The cops came; then the fire brigade.

Some fool had butted out on my tree fern.

At least there were no gate crashers.

After

Now I always front for work no matter how much I’ve drunk but I almost couldn’t face myself the next morning.  

No one offered to help clean up and the only bright moment was when a bunch of thank-you flowers came.

You put these parties on and people make a mockery of them. Next year someone else can organise the damn thing.

Come to think of it, I might even take myself off the guest list!

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

Paul has finally convinced me it’s time to make a more substantial appearance on this wonderful blog than in just the occasional comment.

Just as Santa reveals his mythical self at this time of year, I’m stepping from behind the admin dashboard to spread some festive cheer and thank you for your support over the past nine months – Paul and I are constantly bowled over by the generosity of spirit in our little community.

This is our first Christmas on SBO, and we thought we’d get into the mood by offering our loyal readers the chance to win a swish Christmas hamper full of lovely Yuletide delights, thanks to Glenda from Hobby Hampers (read her fab client gift ideas in Gift Rap).

All we ask in return is that you spread the SBO gospel as far and wide as you can.

To be in the running for Glenda’s hamper, we’re looking for you to sign up as many new email subscribers as possible between now and 11.59 pm on Tuesday 8 Dec (we originally said midnight, but there was too much debate over whether midnight is the beginning or end of the day )

Here’s how it works:

• The aim is to grow our email subscriber list (not RSS, because we can’t qualify them). Please don’t hold people at gunpoint – it makes Christmas dinner very awkward and we’d prefer it if you only sign up people who are genuinely interested in SBO and our subject matter.
• When you send your recruitment emails, make sure you put my email address megan.wilson@myob.com in the CC field – I’ll use this to match against new email subscribers.
• The person who successfully signs up the most new email subscriptions will win the prize
• In the event of a draw, the prize will be awarded on count-back to the person who signed up the new members first. For example, if two people each convert three subscribers, whoever’s third subscriber signed up first will win the prize.

We’ll announce the lucky winner in our regular post on 10 December.

We’d love to start 2010 with a flock of new readers to contribute to our growing community – Paul assures me that next year is going to be bigger and funnier than ever.

Hope you enjoyed my maiden post…Paul, you might’ve let the genie out of the bottle!

Megan from myBRC

Christmas (Xmas) is coming. And good clients are particularly precious this season. Should we send cards or gifts? If gifts, what? And how much should we spend?

In matters of etiquette, no thing is better than the wrong thing. But that’s pretty lame. So let us pick a path through this merry minefield.

Suitability

If your client is a drinker, she may prefer schnapps to sav blanc. So buying five dozen whites with your logo on the label may be counterproductive, not cost effective.

The greeting card pictured above is entitled ‘Fluffy Discovers the Christmas Lights’. One year, I sent it to all my clients. While most thrilled to my humour, a few were not amused.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Diversity

We’re not all Christians. Americans say ‘happy holidays’ to avoid offence.

If a client is more into Ramadan than Rudolf, your cheery yuletide Yo! will cut little ice. And if you send alcohol, you may teetotal yourself right out of the relationship.

You must therefore know each client’s religion. This is another delicate operation, unless you’re on very good terms.

Solution

The answer is to know your clients well. This good business tenet comes to the fore on special days. You’ve probably read how powerful it is to mark client birthdays. You may even take the time to do so.

Surely, then, it’s not that much of a stretch to sort your Hanukkahs from your Pancha Ganapatis.

Gift Ideas

As Christmas still grips much of the Western world, we ought to generate a suitable gift list.

If you know a client well enough, the right present will suggest itself. If not, you need to go generic.

As with communications, generic is far less effective than targeted. However, if you must ‘batch’, these suggestions shouldn’t offend:

  $25   Book (especially a business book you’ve found useful).

  $50   Goat (via Oxfam or World Vision). My personal favourite.

$100   Gold Class movie tickets (perhaps with a food voucher).

$200   Ummm…

Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on what to send and how much to spend.

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire