How dealing with loss makes you a better business owner
A change of pace today. Author and founder of Nationwide Networking Ben Angel shares a personal account of the challenges of running a business while dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Sometimes we forget that business owners are real people. What, that’s crazy?!
But business owners, just like the rest of the human race, face the same emotional turmoil as everyone else, except of course that a key factor is added into the picture. And that factor is isolation.
Sometimes the only person you have to talk to is a tropical fish that stares blankly at you through the plate glass whilst blowing bubbles in an attempt to say “Feed me!”
What do you do?
Go stir crazy? Or comfort yourself with Oprah and Dr Phil?
You do neither. You get on with the job. But what if the pressure of isolation and other challenges start piling up and you begin to encounter some of the following;
· Added financial pressure of sustaining a business through economic turmoil;
· A kid in the background who won’t ‘go and play in traffic’ and insists on wreaking havoc in your home office
· The emotional turmoil of a relationship that should have been put to bed years ago;
· Or the incomprehensible reality of losing a loved one?
You do the best you can with what you’ve got!
Four years ago almost to the day, my dad passed away at 51 from a brain tumour. I was devastated. I’d just set up a brand new business, was dealing with a relationship break-down and was attempting to deal with mounting financial pressure at the same time. I was 23 years old, and I was not coping at all.
Burying my father was a tipping point for me. I became depressed and suffered in silence while everyone else thought I was fine. Every time I had a client meeting, hosted a business event or schmoozed at a networking event, I put on my ‘perky’ persona and turned up the charm.
On the outside I was bright and sparkly and working hard to give the impression that I had everything together. On the inside, everything was falling apart.
How do you deal with your personal life when you’re trying to build your business?
You do the best you can with what you’ve got. Being a typical male and an Aries, I’m one of the most stubborn people you’ll ever meet. This is partly due to growing up on a farm where we were always taught to fix things ourselves. A fantastic skill to have, especially when it comes to fixing your own personal life.
How Stella got ‘His’ groove back…
One day when I’d had enough, I pulled out all of my personal development books and started to read. I read each night for at least one hour, and then again for 20 minutes each morning. This ended my day on a good note and began the next on an even better one.
I turned off all of the music that made me feel depressed and I ate healthy foods and avoided those that made me feel lethargic. I hit the gym six days a week and took regular classes to bust out of my rut and most importantly, I made a conscious decision moment-to-moment on how I ‘chose’ to feel.
Was it all an effort?
Absof*&^%kinglutely! Was it required? Even more so!
We don’t always get to choose the situations we’re faced with, but we can choose how we respond.
Working in isolation can be very damaging, especially if you’re unaware of your own self-sabotaging behaviours. By learning how you respond to specific situations, you can shift your reactions to responses and become productive once again. It unearths self-sabotaging patterns so you can deal with them. But sometimes, just sometimes, we need a wakeup call.
Excuse me Mr Angel, this is your wakeup call! You’re in denial!
One of my best friends woke me up to this. He told me I was in denial and that I was avoiding facing reality. It felt like a punch in the back of the head but boy oh boy, did it wake me up to make the changes I so desperately needed to make.
Are you in denial right now about your business and how you’re managing it? If you are, it’s time to snap out of it and do ‘whatever it takes’ to bring about balance. No matter how you feel you may be suffering right now, there are always worse things that could happen.
The thing about death and losing a loved one is that it wakes us up to life. It makes you a better business owner because you really do learn not to sweat the small stuff. The things that I thought were important weren’t important at all and wasted my time and energy.
This realisation allowed me to go back to basics and focus only on the things that really mattered. At the end of the day, what was important to me was my own happiness and enjoying the process of building an interesting and fulfilling life and business.
What do you need waking up to?
Are things really as hard as you make them out to be? If you’re self employed and work from home isolation can amplify things, but the question I want to ask you is: do you really need to lose someone important to find out that the small stuff really doesn’t matter?
I trust not. Change the script and start telling a different story. Trust me when I say it’s worth it, because it is ‘worth’ it more than you could ever believe and that I could ever express in the written word. Both you and your business will be better off for it.
Ben Angel, Founder, Nationwide Networking and author of Sleeping your way to the top
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Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently, Ben. It’s an honour to have you among us.
Your words rang true with me. When my Mum died, I was cactus. On the day she passed, my main client (worth 84% of my total income) cancelled my contract (retrospectively!) by letter.
I had to lay off four of the staff I’d been carefully training for months. It took my business two years to recover. Five years down the track, I’m still missing Mum.
This poem sums it up: http://imagineday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/the-onset-of-grief/
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Hi Paul, Thanks for your welcome and kind message. Things all just seem to happen at once for some reason. It certainly tests a persons character and how strong they really are. I’m glad to hear everything got back on track.
Ben
Thanks so much for sharing your story Ben, you have really hit a chord with me today. I have spent the past month caring for and nursing my dear friend Ali who was suffering from terminal cancer. She passed away 2 weeks ago and the loss has left me in a place I have never been before.
It is so truly difficult to go about your daily routine as you mentioned as though nothing has happened. Today is my first day back in my business which has been sailing off course without me and my three little kids are wondering what has happened to their mummy.
You do have to put on the perky persona out there in the business world but I have been honest in my conversations with clients in the last few weeks and I have found that it actually opens up conversations that have never been had before.
I am realising that the most important thing is to give yourself the permission to grieve and the time to reflect.
Thankyou.
Hi Julie, thanks for your post. I really appreciate it. You’re absolutely right, you do need to allow time to grieve. At the time I really needed to get the business back on track so I would allow myself time to grieve at night or on the weekends but tried like anything to keep it out of my 9-5 work hours.
I would literally say to myself, ‘I now have 2 hours to grieve, go nuts!’ A funny thing happens when you do this, because you allow the space for it, after a while the need to grieve becomes less because you’re no longer trying to conceal it or fight it.
Re. your kids, you couldn’t give them a better gift than to share your emotions openly and honestly with them. It doesn’t mean they suddenly become adults but it does mean that they learn to accept their emotions honestly. Show them over the next few months how you deal with it and manage it and they’ll have amazing coping skills when they become adults. Just trust in the process.
Best of luck.
Ben
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. It is wonderful that you have turned this into a positive rather than being locked in the negative. Sometimes a tragedy can act as a catalyst becasue it wakes us up to the fact that ‘life’ can be taken away in an instance and it’s best to live every day as though it might be your last
I appreciate you sharing this, Ben. A very timely read for me personally, as I am grieving the loss of two close friends from cancer in the last 6 weeks. Thanks!
Dear Stephen, that is a very hard burden you’re carrying. Losing friends, especially in that way, can be quite crippling. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find peace. P.
Hi Stephen, thanks for the message. If you are struggling another technique can help. I went to a hypnotist who implanted the suggestion that I would grieve in my sleep for an hour each night. I have to say it was one of the best things I did to get back on top of things. It really prevented me from getting overly anxious or angry during the day as my emotions were being released during the night in slumber. This allowed me to get myself back on track during the day. My mum also benefited from this technique greatly. If you or anyone would like further information please let me know. Ben
Thank you Ben.
I am 25 years old and lost my father in a motorcycle accident in February this year. I had only been home 3 weeks from living and working in London when it happened and it hit me hard.
I had worked as a PR Director in London, living the fast paced, high paying lifestyle and came home to the cold harsh reality that there is so much more to life than these trivial things.
I had lost my father, one of my best friends and a key mentor in my life.
The day he died I decided not to return to working in that world and I decided to follow Dad’s motto, ‘why work for someone else, when you can work for yourself.’
In July, I launched The Little PR Company – a unique, communications service with a reputation for creativity, innovation and energy.
The Little PR Company follows a philosophy that no two clients are ever the same. We recognise the need for specialist communications services that meet the diverse needs of small to medium enterprise, not-for-profits, socially responsible businesses and charity organisations in both metropolitan and regional Victoria.
I decided to continue working in PR, but to work on projects, with clients that make a difference to the lives of others.
I also realised that although money would be tight sometimes, I would be making a difference to my own life too.
Many of my friends said I was in denial and rushing into things, but to be honest, the loss of my father was an unfortunate and nasty wake up call.
Your story resonated with me very deeply and I thank you for sharing it.
Dear Janelle, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I can’t imagine such a profound tragedy so early in life. I lost my mum when she was in her 80s and it still hurts half a decade on.
I admire what you’ve done with your company. It has success written all over it. I really hope it gives you all you seek.
Thank you for sharing your story. Best regards, Paul.
Hi Janelle,
Thank you for sharing your story. Its amazing how much it can change us as an individual and in a lot of cases in quite extremely profound ways. I’ll have to check out the Little PR Company.
Regards
Ben Angel.
Thanks Paul and Ben for your comments.
I think it’s great that we all have the opportunity to share our feelings about the relationship between loss and running a business on this forum.
It is not something everyone can understand and being able to discuss it with people that do is very important.
Thank you again,
Janelle