Naming Rights
When I began this blog, I resolved to name organisations only if praising them. I was determined not to use this privileged communication platform to snipe at firms who’d done me wrong. But lately, my internet service provider (ISP) has been driving me crazy (and jeopardising my business) with what I believe to be very poor service.
In Small is the new big Seth Godin happily names every organisation he describes, good or bad. I admire Seth; should I follow him? Even if it doesn’t feel right? Even if it’s a firm that could wreak terrible revenge on my communications and destroy my business in the process?
During my human resources degree and career, I learned to praise people publicly and criticise them in private. The trouble today is that I have no personal access to my ISP. I can’t take them into a quiet room or ring them for a chat about why I’m unhappy with their performance. When I do ring, I get the ROBOT.
At first I didn’t fear the ROBOT, as I had Natalie Tran’s* fabulous guide to dealing with ROBOTS. Alas, like Skynet, my ISP’s ROBOT has evolved to counter even Natalie’s brilliant strategy. I managed to access a human twice. Now that the ROBOT has realised what I’m up to, however, it puts me on hold for ages, then cuts me off. Touche!
It’s such a shame. For two years my ISP service was flawless – the envy of all who beheld its mighty power. Now it drops out most mornings, as well as last Saturday night and all day yesterday. Beset by client deadlines (and smack in the middle of trying to create my new website) I’ve literally been weeping and tearing out my hair.
A technician came two days ago. I offered him a coffee. He asked to use my toilet, then said he’d do something to something outside. When I went to check on him a short time later, he and his van were gone. No farewell, no paperwork.
Yesterday an outage forced me to cancel my bookkeeper (O Fortuna!). Today the technician came back. He said the connection speed was great on his test modem (with its associated uber-plan). Unfortunately, because he didn’t know what plan I was on, he didn’t know what speed I should be getting. I asked if he could ring and ask. He replied that as a contractor who didn’t work for my ISP, he couldn’t. We agreed that if I rang, I’d get the ROBOT.
So now I seek your guidance. Is this post the thin edge of the ranting wedge? As a small business blogger, do I have the right (or even responsibility) to name less-than-fabulous firms for your benefit? Or will that merely incite a useless slanging match?
This is a very serious question. Web 2.0 is a technological tidal wave with two breaks. You can surf it for miles, or it can smash you on the rocks. Just ask Domino’s Pizza.
I humbly invite your views.
Paul Hassing , Founder & Senior Writer, www.thefeistyempire.com
* To learn more about this YouTube star, read this article from The Age.
Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment below and continue the conversation, or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically to your feed reader.
Good. Now. I just quit two of my three jobs (1. Making Docos about mentally challenged people and 2. teaching web design and writing at Curtin University) which leaves me web designing in 2010 ( http://www.geoffreymultimedia.com ). Teaching 1,000+ students a year (that’s marking 4,000 assignments) was draining my essence. I might just do a bit more blogging like your good self. Earn a nice $50 per month in Google Adwords
Nice one Edwin. Nice site too! I had to dive into your comment and move your brackets a bit so the link would load. I like the sound of your mission statement very much.
Oh to make money from Adwords! If you manage $50/month, you must do a guest post for us. Thank you for sharing! Best regards, P.
Been away a while… and all this happens!
That email from Amelia is your basic blow-off: she says “yeah, sorry, but I’m not actually going to do anything” in management-speak. I love your reply, though – very ironic.
I’d have been less clever, I’m afraid, by being very blunt and telling them that I don’t give two hoots about their apologies. Apologies don’t fix broken gear. Apologies don’t bring back lost clients. Apologies don’t pay the phone bill for having to call them all the time.
If she can’t do something concrete about the problem, then she’s just another part of that very same problem. Action, money or shut up (and face the humiliating consequences and compensation claim). Those are her choices.
Got one of those letters to write to my bank, actually. Again.
Very much looking forward to hearing what she says about the other ISP. I’ll bet it’s “I can’t comment”. :\
Umm, I think there’s something wrong with the comments, Paul. I can get 120 older ones or 3 new ones, but not the bit in the middle (where she replied and all that).
Great to see you back, Spike. I sure have been enjoying your blog posts lately.
I think I’m better at being inneffectually clever than bluntly effective. It’s a skill I honed under years of bullying. Makes for good email repartee, but crap service. Restaurants love me; always thanking them for the extra cockroaches…
Anyway, you and I can see we’re flogging the powdered bones of a never-alive horse with Telstra. Your call on the ‘I can’t comment’ was 100% accurate!
With regard to the other comments, there’s an Older Comments button just below the post. However, Megan may be able to set the dial so all comments appear every time to save faffing.
Do please share your bank letters with us. They are absolute gold. Thanks again for gracing our antipodean shore with your podean attentions. Best regards, P.
Just received:
‘Thank you for your recent query through bigpond.com,
As we continually strive to improve our services and products to deliver you a better customer experience, we’d love to know how well your enquiry was handled.
It’s as easy as clicking on the link below, which will take you to a simple survey page. Please take a moment to tell us about your experience.
To open the survey, please click here.
We appreciate your contribution and trust that you will continue to enjoy your internet experience with BigPond.
Kind regards,
The BigPond Team’
‘Please tell me that you’re kidding.’
‘Thanks for contacting us.
One of our consultants will contact you within two business days to assist with your enquiry, however if your request is urgent, please ring us at 13POND.
This is an automatically generated response and is not intended to answer your email, but we wanted to confirm that we have received your message. Please do not reply to this email
Yours sincerely,
The BigPond Team
If you would like further assistance while you’re waiting for a team member to respond, please visit our Help Centre at http://www.bigpond.com/help‘
‘Red swans flying backwards.’
‘Dear Paul,
Thank you for your email, my name is Jessica, and I have received an email from you without a question or request for information.
If there is an outstanding query, or you wish to provide some feedback, please provide me with the details and I will respond promptly with the information that you require.
Alternatively, you may find our online Help site a useful source of information for any enquires that you may have, as it contains a large variety of answers to assist you with information on your account and our products and services.
It also contains handy self-help tools such as our Email Troubleshooter and useful information on the latest security alerts. To visit BigPond® Help now please click:
http://www.bigpond.com/help/default.asp
Thank you for choosing BigPond.’
‘Hello, Jessica.
I have just one question:
Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
Regards,
Uncle Feisty.’
Everything’s turning blue.
‘Dear Uncle Feisty,
Thank you for your reply. I am unsure of the whereabouts of the Snowdens of yesteryear however, if you have a question that relates directly to BigPond®, please contact us again and we will be more than happy to help.
Thank you for choosing BigPond.’
‘Thank you, Jessica.
You have helped me more than you know.
UF.’
I had similiar problems just this week gone with what once was the ONLY Aussie Telco. Technician failed to read his instructions correctly and turned up at the wrong address. Even though it wasn;t our fault – they placed the new installtion on hold until WE contacted them, then when we DID contact them would ONLY offer a replacement appointment some 8 days later.
Until I discovered the power of social media – once discovered my powers were enormous and we only incurred a 48 hour delay
It’s true – the noisy whell – does get all the oil
SHouldn’t be that way
Hello IWM. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m very interested to know how you used social media to derive a ‘better’ result. Are you at liberty to expand?
I used twitter – I just @ the company and within hours had a solution. It was that easy.
I seriously didn’t think it would work – but it did and I am more than pleased with the results, after the fact
Wow! I’m most impressed, IWM. Thank you very much for that clarification. Would that I could’ve enjoyed similar success with my six-month struggle. I must be hanging out in the wrong chat rooms…
I must admit I did start ranting – here is an exert:- @telstra -another area-another name-how long can they duck-shove for? – Besides the fact the tech is idiot for turning up at 323a & NOT 323
@telstra to have a technician turn up at 323a and NOT the rear of 323 is disgusting has has cost me ANOTHER week for your F** ups………
Can’t find the other tweets – but problem was seriously solved and I don’t general let bad service off the hook like that!
Golly! Well, it sure seems they’re listening to Twitter. Next time you’ve having a cuppa with them, maybe ask them to cast their eye over this saga! Not that there’s anything they can do any more. That boat has well and truly sailed, sunk and rotted. Thanks again.
you could always try the same approach – just twitter @ telstra and see if they respond
Worth a try
Thank you, IWM. After my latest efforts, I don’t know if I’ve got it in me. I really think I’d need that two grand compo payment up front to even consider it. I feel my life force ebb every time I communicate with Telstra.
I agree with yu – which is one of the reasons that my mobile and internet are not with them – have to have landline due to service issues, which if I was with another carrier – would cause even further delays in repairs (ongoing)
This sort of event happens every 6 months or so – some are more memorable than others http://itaintalwaysso.blogspot.com/2009/12/ive-was-never-so-scared.html
Funny you should mention landline, IWM. My research suggests that Internode can give us the same speed we currently get with cable, but for $20 per month LESS and with 8 gig MORE.
This much download would free us to Skype ourselves stupid. Which means we wouldn’t really need the landline anymore. So we may be able to ditch Telstra completely.
BTW, that sure is a gripping piece of writing you did. And the photo! Wow!
Don’t forget that IF you lose power – you will lose the ability to make any phone calls and this summer is the year that it is predicted we are to lose power more often and longer than other years – so keep that in mind also
Again my blog (today’s post) touches on it – without the warning of possible lengthier/more often power outages – due to power shortages. If there is another fire and this one touches the lines – that will fry the lines and leave a state/s without power for periods of time – not determined.
Keep that in mind please
Good points, IWM; thank you. If Fonnie and I both keep our mobile phones, will this protect us from the scenarios you describe?
depends on how long the power stays out for – I mean if power goes out at 8pm – often phones were taken off charge at 8am – so liekyl dead by 8am the following day.
All things to consider.
Dang! Never thought of that. Think I’ll get me a bat signal!
‘Dear Paul,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to Jessica’s email and I am glad that the information she provided was of assistance to you.
You may also find BigPond® Help a useful source of information for any enquiries that you may have, as it contains a large variety of answers to assist you with information on your account and our products and services.
To visit our online Help, please click: http://www.bigpond.com/internet/help/
Yours Sincerely, Michelle.’
Homing pidgeons might be a better option
In the mean time here is some light reading – the post I made reference to above!
Here
Ha! Say, that’s a really good article you wrote, IWM. Crystal clear and completely doable. And jolly well written. Many thanks for the link.
Groundhog Day:
‘Thank you for your recent query through bigpond.com,
As we continually strive to improve our services and products to deliver you a better customer experience, we’d love to know how well your enquiry was handled.
It’s as easy as clicking on the link below, which will take you to a simple survey page. Please take a moment to tell us about your experience.
To open the survey, please click here.
We appreciate your contribution and trust that you will continue to enjoy your internet experience with BigPond.
Kind regards, The BigPond Team’
‘Dear Team.
Alas, I’m a bit ‘over’ your surveys, as the merest glance at my email trail of tears will attest.
If this latest survey-related email has been generated automatically, you may wish to temper your system a little for customers who have been through your wringer.
If it has been generated manually, you guys are even scarier than I thought.
Regards, P.’
An excerpt from Kafka’s latest (just discovered) manuscript:
‘Thanks for contacting us.
One of our consultants will contact you within two business days to assist with your enquiry, however if your request is urgent, please ring us at 13POND.
This is an automatically generated response and is not intended to answer your email, but we wanted to confirm that we have received your message. Please do not reply to this email
Yours sincerely, The BigPond Team
If you would like further assistance while you’re waiting for a team member to respond, please visit our Help Centre at http://www.bigpond.com/help‘
‘Dear Paul, My name is Mitchell, and I am sorry that your recent experiences with BigPond® have not been satisfactory.
I can assure you that this particular survey is generated automatically, and is sent out at random. If it is unwelcome, you are of course free to ignore it in its entirety.
As I have tell you have had some issues with us of late, I would like to attempt to make good and offer you my personal assistance with any outstanding BigPond related matters you wish to raise.
Should you like to take me up on this, simply reply with the relevant details and I will do my best to help you.
Yours sincerely, Mitchell The BigPond Team http://www.bigpond.com
Our Christmas Gift to you, buy now and pay $0* delivery!http://shop.bigpond.com/ (*excludes BigPond Tickets & BigPond Experiences; offer ends 31st Dec 2009)’
‘Hello, Mitchell.
I would indeed like to ignore that particular survey in its entirety.
I’m delighted that you’d like to make good and I look forward to working with you.
As you’ll know from my previous emails, I’ve incurred $2000 (conservative estimate) in my efforts to resolve this situation to date.
Once Telstra has reimbursed me for this amount, we’re free to proceed.
Shall I send you my banking details?
With best regards and many thanks for your good offices. P.’
‘Dear Paul, Obviously, as someone with my role, I do not have the delegation to apply such credits without sufficient grounds to do so. I am sure you can appreciate this.
This is not however to detract from my offer of assistance in any way. I would still like to try and help you. I simply need to do so within the limits of the rules I am bound by.
If I can confirm that you are owed this money, I do have the ability to have it applied to your account, but only when it can be proven necessary.
Given this, if you can please be more specific with your requests and the reasons for them, it will be much easier for me to try and assist you.’
‘Thank you, Mitchell.
It has indeed become obvious that you and your colleagues do not have the delegation.
My appreciation of this is acute, to say the least.
Do you have access to ‘The Internet’ in your office?
If so, I shall send you a ‘Uniform Resource Locator’ (URL) so that you may access the ‘Weblog’ and ‘Thread’ pertaining to this matter.
Otherwise, I shall be forced to send a ‘Carrier Pigeon’.
Regards, P.’
‘Dear Paul, I do have internet access however it is limited and external links are often blocked. You are still more than welcome to send it to me and I will attempt to access it.
Otherwise if you can describe the matter in your own words, this will work just as well.
Kind regards, Mitchell’
‘Dear Mitchell,
I regret to report that the complexity and duration of this matter has rendered me unable to describe it in my own (or anyone else’s) words.
Therefore, I include the link to absolutely everything you need to know:
http://mybrc.myobnet.com/2009/05/07/naming-rights/
As a representative of my Internet Service Provider (ISP), I do hope you can access this Internet page.
Please let me know how you go, as we have many interested observers.
Regards, P.
PS: We just clocked $2,120.’
‘Dear Paul, Regrettably the link you provided me with was blocked by our filters as I feared.
I apologise that I have not been able to assist you as yet. If there is any way you can think of to convey your issues to me, I can assure you I will attend to them as a priority. However I do rely on you to provide these details to me.
Kind regards, Mitchell.’
‘Thank you, Mitchell.
I understand that you must operate within Telstra’s constraints.
May I ask if you’re based in Melbourne? If so, do you happen to sit near (or have access to) a window?
I’ve recently acquired a Bat Signal from eBay.
As it’ll soon be dark, and storm clouds abound, I may be able to modify this device so it projects the salient points of my grievance into the night sky.
Would that work for you?
Regards, P.’
‘Dear Paul, Unfortunately this will not work as I am not in Melbourne.
If it would suit you better, would you like for me to call you personally to discuss your grievances? If so, please reply with a contact number and a time and date you would like me to contact you. I will then call you and we can discuss this issue in detail.
Kind regards, Mitchell’
‘That’s a shame, Mitchell.
Thank you for your kind offer.
Unfortunately, as Telstra has not given you the power to access the Internet or reimburse my costs, our discussion would be fruitless.
I appreciate that you’ve done all you can.
Unfortunately, the system within which you operate has limited that to nothing.
BigPond and I will simply have to agree to disagree on this matter.
There may be one, small thing you can do for me.
Could you please put a note on your system to stop me getting any more surveys asking how good Telstra is?
I’d be very grateful.
If this is not within your power, would you agree to do one of my surveys instead?
Regards, P.’
‘Dear Paul, As requested, I have removed you from the list of potential customer who can receive such surveys in the future.
If there is anything else you would like my help with, please feel free to contact me. Kind regards, Mitchell’
‘That’s very kind of you, Mitchell. Many thanks indeed. Regards, P.’
#44 Brilliant “If this is not within your power, would you agree to do one of my surveys instead?”
You’ve done well
And now for a bit of light relief. My dark fiction piece, ‘The Random Breakfast Generator’ was inspired by modern ‘customer service’ interactions like this. You may find it amusing:
http://imagineday.wordpress.com/2009/09/04/the-random-breakfast-generator/
Thank you, IWM. These Telstra folk sure put the ’small’ into ’small mercies’. It’s very nice to know you’re watching and reading. Best regards, P.
Received this morning:
‘Thank you for your recent query through bigpond.com,
As we continually strive to improve our services and products to deliver you a better customer experience, we’d love to know how well your enquiry was handled.
It’s as easy as clicking on the link below, which will take you to a simple survey page. Please take a moment to tell us about your experience.
To open the survey, please click here.
We appreciate your contribution and trust that you will continue to enjoy your internet experience with BigPond.
Kind regards, The BigPond Team’
‘Please do NOT contact me.
Mitchell promised…’
‘Thanks for contacting us.
One of our consultants will contact you within two business days to assist with your enquiry, however if your request is urgent, please ring us at 13POND.
This is an automatically generated response and is not intended to answer your email, but we wanted to confirm that we have received your message. Please do not reply to this email
Yours sincerely, The BigPond Team
If you would like further assistance while you’re waiting for a team member to respond, please visit our Help Centre at http://www.bigpond.com/help‘
Hi Paul, Thank you for your email, my name is Mo and I understand that you do not want to be contacted.
I sincerely apologise for the inconvenience that these surveys may cause, they are purely random and usually get sent out when the customers contact us. This is just a way for us to get some feedback from our customers.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.
I trust this information has been of assistance, and further information is readily available via our online Help:
http://www.bigpond.com/internet/help/, otherwise I am happy to provide further clarification.
Thank you for choosing BigPond. Kind regards, Mo The BigPond Team
http://www.bigpond.com‘
Hi Mo.
Thank you for your understanding.
Do you like Kafka?
My weekend has three hours to go.
How do you think I should enjoy it?
What happened to Mitchell?
And Amelia?
And Nicole?
And Jessica?
Is this like Survivor?
Are we climbing the rocks, seeing the fire poles of all the people who have gone before us?
What about Jalel?
And Michelle?
Are they dead?
Am I dead?
Is this like that really weird episode of Lost in Space?
The one where Dr Smith must atone for his sins?
Help me, Mo.
Everything’s turning blue.
Except the swans,
Which are flying backwards.
Regards. P.’
‘Hi Paul, Thanks for your email.
Paul, I understand that my colleague Mitchell has organised to remove you from our Customer Survey List.
If you have a specific question or query with regard to anything else, I’ll be more than happy to answer it. However, if you do not wish to receive anymore emails from the Bigpond® team, all we require is for you to state that you wish for us to no answer your emails.
I trust this information has been of assistance, and further information is readily available via our online Help:
http://www.bigpond.com/internet/help/, otherwise I am happy to provide further clarification.
Thank you for choosing BigPond. Kind regards, Mo.’
I’m lost. I’m in space. It’s forever.
… and this is the Kafka book I’m reminded of:
‘Thank you for your recent query through bigpond.com,
As we continually strive to improve our services and products to deliver you a better customer experience, we’d love to know how well your enquiry was handled.
It’s as easy as clicking on the link below, which will take you to a simple survey page. Please take a moment to tell us about your experience.
To open the survey, please click here.
We appreciate your contribution and trust that you will continue to enjoy your internet experience with BigPond.
Kind regards, The BigPond Team.’
‘Dear Team,
I did not have a recent query.
Please stop sending me these surveys.
With the time you save by not bothering me, you’ll be able to watch this:
http://astore.amazon.com/thefeiemp-20/detail/B00004S896
And read this:
http://astore.amazon.com/thefeiemp-20/detail/1433246457
Please do not reply to this email.
Leaving me alone could be your Christmas gesture of appreciation for my contribution.
Thank you. P.’
‘Thanks for contacting us.
One of our consultants will contact you within two business days to assist with your enquiry, however if your request is urgent, please ring us at 13POND.
This is an automatically generated response and is not intended to answer your email, but we wanted to confirm that we have received your message. Please do not reply to this email
Yours sincerely, The BigPond Team’
Bogged down in their own adminstration – no wonder I (along with many others) call them BOGPOND.
And they wonder why they are losing money hand over fist and having to raise the prices all the time – sack a few people and put people in charge who actually know what they are doing and talking about.
Good luck Paul – You’ll need it
Thank you, IWM. I’m trapped in the ceiling with Carol Anne and the ghosts of Telstra customers past.
That scary clown doll is also lurking around here somewhere.
I can’t hear you, Mommy … Mommy?
Thump. Thump. Thump! Thump!! THUMP!!! CRASHHH!!!!
…
AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hQkBLrd1rE
[...] no further than the recent experience of SBO’s very own Paul Hassing. Paul was having some problems with his ISP. They weren’t one-off issues; Paul had recurring problems that were never resolved to his [...]