Best Headline I’ve Seen
Remember how I unintentionally ‘mozzed’ my neighbour’s auction by invoking a thunderstorm? Well, I just got a letter with the best headline I’ve seen:
This isn’t the best headline you’ve seen, but it wasn’t written for you. It was written for me, by Andrew Crotty from Biggin Scott, who wants to sell my home. I am his target audience.
I wasn’t thinking of selling my home: now I am. I’ve had emails, letters, postcards, magnets, phone calls and calendars from six other agents: I binned them all. Yet now I’m blogging about Biggin Scott.
Good headline.
In 10 Steps to Perfect Job Ads I explain that the best ads have four elements: attention, interest, desire and action.
Attention
This house is four up from mine, with a similar floor plan. Mine’s better, of course. So if this sold for $530K, mine must be worth $550K; maybe more. That sure got my attention. The subheader was the street address, which rammed home the local nature of this happy news.
Interest
Under the subheader was (Two bedroom cottage, no parking). These diminutive italics were like a friendly aside, ‘So much loot for such a crap home – imagine what yours could fetch!’
I recalled that the pitch to buyers was rather more fulsome. Fortunately, it was still online*:
This Brick Victorian offers quick & easy access to the city along with being situated close to Victoria Park and public transport.
• 2 bedrooms both with built in robes
• Recently renovated lounge & dining area
• Modern Kitchen-s/s appliances
• Timber flooring – Built in entertainment unit
• Near new bathroom & laundry
• Private paved courtyard – feature fish pond
I LOVE how Cinderella-like, the robes vanished and the Brick Victorian reverted to a cottage for the purpose of my letter. Interested? I couldn’t stop reading!
Desire
Andrew wisely gave a third of his space to the photo and headline. His body copy was uncommonly brief, yet it included everything a home owner could desire*:
We…have other…buyers keen to purchase in this area.
If you…would like a hassle free quick sale we would love to talk to you.
Why not see what your property is worth today.
Action
The bottom bore Andrew’s name and number in a massive, bold font. This was smart, as my eyesight is indeed waning. Next to this was a full-length photo of Andrew: standing, smiling, handsome and tieless in a very nice suit.
My action? Though I wasn’t ready to sell my home, I asked Andrew if I could praise him in public. He replied:
I must admit I know very little about blogs but am happy to assist in any way. Feel free to use what you need…
Ye gods; honest too! That settles it: I’d better tell Fonnie we’re moving.
Anyway: attention, interest, desire, action – that’s how you write killer copy!
* For journalistic integrity, I (barely) resisted the urge to optimise this copy. I’ve tried to ‘help’ many real estate agents, but they always get cross. I think it’s my delivery…
Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment below and continue the conversation, or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically to your feed reader.
Hey Paul
Another great post. Clear and simple. Just goes to show that it’s not WIIFY … as in ‘What’s in it for you’, the writer, the one creating the message … but WIIFM … ‘What’s in it for ME’, the reader, the target audience.
Get that right and you get your message across.
Great stuff. Thanks!
Thank you, Adam. As a gun editor yourself, you know how hard it is to rip one’s own Y-fronts. Many of my early drafts are riddled with Y, but we manage to smack the M into them in the end. I look forward to the day you let me cite you as Official Truthsayer!
Interesting. A nice juxtaposition of copy aimed at two completely different audiences that clearly demonstrates the WIIFM principle and how to apply it across multiple target audiences. Just goes to show how important it is to tailor your message.
Although we don’t want to lose those wonderful euphemisms (renovator’s delight) – what’s the fun in that?
Hi Folks,
Another poignant post and engaging read Paul… :- )
Ah! This brings back memories…tha good ol’ real estate days :- P…When I was in real estate (about 20 years ago – how do you ‘muffle’ text?
), it was considered ’standard practice’ to direct such advertising at residents surrounding a ‘neigbouring’ property that had just sold……but this about the ‘copy’ isn’t it?
Call me a cynical, pedantic wanka, but I couldn’t help noticing this:
Context: Paul, you made the observation – “Ye gods; honest too!”
Reference Point: This is what Andrew put in the public Online Ad – “This Brick Victorian offers quick & easy access to the city along with being situated close to Victoria Park and public transport.”
Quandry: And yet in your personal ad, he wrote “(Two bedroom cottage, no parking)”?…Honest to whom?
Now I don’t think this is the place to get into a debate about ‘degrees’ of honesty, or ‘truth-enhancement’ techniques, but am I painting a picture? :- P
Of course this observation is in no way intended to diminish the efficacy of the copy at hand; i.e. your individually targeted ad. I just thought it was worth mentioning :- ).
This article blew the dust off a swathe of other memories too. One of them continues shaping my approach to ‘the world’. When I was ‘younger’ (did you like that one?
, a large proportion of my friends were older than I (often twice my age). So I used to hear and engage in (as best I could), a lot of ‘adult’ conversation. Mostly I just listened and watched.
It seemed to me unfortunately common, and even a cultural expectation, that a male should belittle his wife/girlfriend (in her absence), in front of other males (& in the interest of fair play, the girls had their version of the same thing). It didn’t make me feel good, let alone laugh. My answer to all of them, as soon as they opened their mouth, was, & still is the same – ‘If you are so stupid as to be with someone you don’t like, then go and find someone you do like… don’t come whining to me’.
I soon learned to simply watch what comes out of people. Their mouths, their actions…and as I watched, I learned to be wary of people who were really nice to me and yet spoke poorly of others (especially those close to them). Eventually I figured out that you don’t have to be psychic to see what’s inside people…you may have to watch for a while, but if you do, it just pours out… :- P
I know it’s a bit ‘tree-hugger’ of me, but the question arises – How do such communication practices as the one illustrated, and the businesses that use them, support, let alone improve our community, our society, our culture (other than by creating cash-flow in a purely short-term ‘economic’ sense)?
Is it true, or becoming true that “We no longer live in a society, we live in an economy, where right and wrong is determined not by fairness, but by profitability…” (Kelly Overton, Executive Director of People Protecting Animals & Their Habitats)?
And if it is true, are the practices of small business speeding it up, or slowing it down?
Cheers
Stephen G
Thank you for another wonderful comment, Stephen. My honesty call referred to Andrew’s admission of ignorace re blogs. I didn’t expect that from him.
With regard to the removal of data for different audiences (the point Megan raised) you could certainly argue whether that was dishonest. I shoot for 100% truth in all things, but in so doing I often get shot in the back or shoot myself in the foot!
I try to see the good in folk, as the alternative is just too horrid. Certainly I’ve had mendacious experiences with real estate agents. I’ve even had rotten service from another Biggin Scott person, but felt this story was good enough to put my feelings aside.
I’m going to have to ponder your broader questions, as I’ve been given a brief respite from ISP hell and must write tomorrow’s blog post now! Thanks again for your input.
Hey Paul,
Good onya mate :- )
I take your point re: “admission of ignorance re blogs” & admit that I leveraged that point into the ‘broader questions’ for the purpose of conversation.
Did it come across as me having a dig at real estate agents? I hope not…though, like everything else, I have my views about the industry…but one of my best mates is one of the top agents in the ACT…he’d kick my butt if I went at it too hard :- P
I hoped that my comments fed more into the general milieu of small business communications. Real Estate is hardly the worst industry when it comes to ‘truth enhancement/adjustment’.
‘Honesty’ is one of my pet ‘hates’. I get so sick of people saying they are honest…unlike you, who are wise enough to admit that you “shoot for 100% truth in all things”. I believe that if I were totally honest I would have to be totally ‘conscious’…and I reckon if I were totally conscious, I’d be blogging through someone else’s body :- ).
Hey, I didn’t know Malcolm had OCD. I love how he chimes in on the previous topic to round it off to 50 posts :- ) I didn’t have the heart to make it 51…I thought I might trigger a spate of door-locking and picture straightening :- )
Good luck with BigPond mate…you’ll need it…I ditched them years ago; at least in principal…unfortunately I cannot escape their ‘omnipresent’ infrastructure.
Cheers
Stephen G
Oh! And just for the record, I’m not doing a Web2.0 thesis… :- )
Cheers
Stephen G
Dear Stephen, you put the ‘ieu’ into ‘milieu’ and I’m very grateful for all your comments, so please keep them coming! Must fly now; an unmarked van has pulled up and I can see men with balaclavas. And they’re not from the Greek cake shop…
Before I go, if there are any real estate agents who’d like to know what else pushes my buttons, see how Roberts does it with style in Tasmania: http://www.e-preview.net/AsFlippy/Main.aspx?PlanNo=187757
Yeah, but real estate agents are all the same.
Whoah! And Lee walks straight and lets fly with right upper-cut :- )
I love the complete absence of…well, everything but the upper-cut :- )… no hesitation and BAM!
I’m nearly in tears here Lee…that was excellent!
Cheers
Stephen G
Sorry, should qualify…having a bad experience trying to buy a place. This has overrided my ability to praise what is clearly persuasive copy.
This poses the question:
Does customer perception or previous experience with a company place a barrier on what you choose to read?
As a writer, you could craft the best headline ever and it could still go straight in the bin.
Hi, Lee. I certainly don’t have any real estate agents on my Christmas card list. But I agree it’s a generalisation to say they’re all the same. I was about to ask if you’d been burned but I now see you have.
There are firms that have absolutely lost my trust and therefore interest. Nothing they could write could ever induce me to deal with them again. So you’re right about headlines being binned, too.
That wasn’t a ‘burn’, that was a compliment :- )
Cheers
Stephen G
Sorry, Stephen; I meant Lee got burned by his bad experience. Not you!
Doh! :- )
I gotta go out for a while…probably won’t be able to drop by until tomorrow…have fun :- )
Cheers
Stephen G
PS And Lee…2 things: 1) geeeez! I wish ya didn’t say ’sorry’ :- ) & 2) I like your question…I’ll have to chew on it and return…
You wrote, “attention, interest, desire, action – that’s how you write killer copy!”
I’ve always believed killer copy began with doughnuts. To wit…an outline using your strategic blueprint:
Attention: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts serving Original Glazed Hot Ones FREE ALL DAY!
Interest: Every customer today receives a certificate for a FREE dozen – no expiration!
Desire: We’re only making 5,000 Hot Ones today. Get yours while they last!
Action: Today’s promotion good at all 10 Krispy Kreme locations!
Never doubt the power of a killer doughnut.
Now, on a more serious note – not that doughnuts aren’t serious – there are times I get lost in the fine art of writing copy (by the definition I’ve come to learn most copywriting pros call…copy). You read Blog Harbor – no doubt you’ve discovered I write stories that will sometimes bury the lead (intentionally) or get to it in the first sentence…and then backtrack a bit, ultimately circling back to finish the point and nearly always ending with a kicker that is alternately abstract but pointed.
My question is this: What’s the difference between what you do and what I do? And I’m not being the least bit flippant? At the risk of backpatting, I believe we both make strong points in our articles; we offer humor, information, insights…we entertain and enlighten. But our endgame is vastly differeint. You’re billed as a copywriter and I’m a freelance writer. I asked someone once “do you see me as a copywriter?” The reaction was an emphatic “WHAT – NO, are you kidding me?”
I still don’t understand the reaction.
What am I forever missing in the dividing line? Is there a dividing line? I mean, the radio talk host side of me – ok, I get the difference between talk host and DJ. They’re night and day. But copywriter – writer – freelance writer – author – humorist – satirist….are we playing semantics? I mean “we” in the broadest sense of the word.
Oh – if these answers are billable hours, you have my email.
Dear Christopher, I see you as a Communicator. And the more of your content I see, the more media I realise you’re proficient in. Weeks ago I promised to survey your entire blog with a view to summarising it. To my shame, I’ve not yet had the headspace to do this. When I do, I’ll be able to give an informed response to your topical, penetrating question. I hope you can wait…
Paul, you have far more important things on your daily, weekly and monthly itinerary requiring your immediate attention than perusing and scrutinizing Blog Harbor.
No worries my friend. There’s always a suite reserved in your name at the Blog Harbor Inn. And should you arrive late in the evening, we’ll gladly open the kitchen.
NEWS UPDATE: ‘In a move that has raised eyebrows among established players in the classified real-estate business, Google Australia has unveiled a new tool on its mapping service that will directly link buyers and renters to available property.’ From The Age newspaper: http://bit.ly/35o3dZ