Look, Dad; no job!
Contrary to TV nirvana, family affairs can be vexed. And when children choose different paths to their parents’, the relative thickness of blood doesn’t stint its flow. This has been a big issue for my small business. I’m keen to know if you think I’m a spoilt brat or part of a statistically relevant pack.
My decision to ditch a career that was killing me body and soul was greeted with stony family silence. There followed a salvo of pointed questions that left me doubtless as to the unpopularity of my choice. Pressing on regardless was a major breach of domestic protocol.
As I built my business over several years, the advice to go back to ‘the workforce’ was regular dinner fare. Finally, when I proudly announced that I’d doubled my former salary, the advice shifted from fiscal to spiritual. In summary:
Phase 1
How’s business?
A bit slow…
Hmm. Maybe you should give it away and get a real job.
Phase 2
How’s business?
Busy!
Hmm. Hope you’re not burning yourself out.
What I perceived as lack of support was described as devil’s advocacy and parental concern. Yet it consistently left me frustrated, deflated and angry. These feelings compounded when I learned (third hand) that my business success had been lauded (at length) to family and friends (in my absence).
I went crying to my mates, who had markedly different takes on the matter.
One reported that his dad had pooh-poohed everything he’d ever done. When he finally earned a company car, he was chided that it was an SL, not an SLX.
Another said that when a man has taught his son to hunt buffalo, it doesn’t do anyone any good (except the buffalo) for the son to be always looking back for approval.
I later watched an interview with a famous Australian chef. When his mother saw him showcased on Japanese TV, she thought he’d been arrested. She nearly had a heart attack, having no idea what he did, or how gifted he was.
Last week, after spending over a decade in Phases 1 and 2, I tried a bold, new tack:
Phase 3
How’s business?
Perfect! I have just the right amount of work coming in at exactly the right rate.
Hmm. Very good.
End of story. Praise at last! All I had to do was lie.
I’ve since quizzed my 4029 Twitter followers on this topic. Results have been mixed, so I’d very much like your view.
Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, www.thefeistyempire.com
Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment below and continue the conversation, or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically to your feed reader.
Great post. I think I’ve had an easier time of it because my father has been self-employed for most of his life (although he did have a ‘proper’ job first, unlike myself, who went straight into self-employment).
I have experienced the situation of being treated sceptically to my face but praised behind my back though, but not from my family, from a business partner. When I confronted him about this (in a friendly way), he found it very interesting, as it was exactly how his father had treated him while he was running his family business (an iron foundry) before setting out by himself. It was obviously a behaviour he’d unconsciously learned from his father.
Thanks for your comment, Rob. And for participating in my Twitter poll. It’s great to have your point of view in here.
Oh I can relate!! It’s even worse when you’re in the business of helping other people sort out their lives. My family say to me ‘you’re supposed to be the expert on balance, how can you possibly be tired?’.
I think mostly they do come from a place of genuine parental concern but agree, maybe it’s easier on everyone to just go with the Phase 3 approach.
Poor Kate; that must drive you round the bend! I’ve striven for 20 years to live a life without lying. And who do I lie to when the chips are down and I just can’t take another hit to my energy, enthusiasm and confidence? My own father! Bugger.
Interesting column and thank you for bringing up this subject.
My mother. a-hem.m.m.m. Here, for years, I thought she kept on reminding me that I could always return home and live with her meant that she didn’t believe I would ever make it on my own.
silly me. she’s old… and she just needs/wants me closer.
took me a while to figure this part out.
Always good to try looking at a situation from the perspective of a disinterested party, not the forever “child”. Things change.
I asked my mother once, having just been told for the 200 gazillionth time that I was “irresponsible”, “What is responsibility?”. I got a hiding and was told not to be a “smartarse”.
I asked similar questions of so called ‘elders’ as I grew…questions like “What is an attitude? and How do I change one?” Such questions were met with various expressions of similar disdain…but never an answer.
I had to find out for myself…
When someone says to me ‘nothing personal, it’s just business’, I say “What do I look like? A switchboard?…”, or something to that effect. I just can’t swallow that stuff…and I think your article touchs on this in a very peronable way.
Often people have no idea what your business actually is, does and/or what it actually involves. But everyone thinks it’s their ‘business’ to know. For some reason, business has always had some kind of magical secrecy surrounding it. It seems that Web2.0 and digital communications have facilitated a wave of opinion, calling for more ‘openness’/'transparency’…but the secrecy remains secreted behind an ever increasing cloud of professionally contrived ‘personal speak’…and links to ‘annual reports’.
Perhaps underlying the traditional ‘attacks’ on what one does not understand, is a natural response to behaviour percieved as ‘unnatural’,'disconnected’ and/or ‘impersonal’…in this context ‘nothing personal, it’s just business’ becomes the symptomatic description of behaviour that human nature finds emminently ‘resentable’.
It seems to me that people often feel as uncomfortable asking about one’s business as business people do giving an open, personable, believable description that invites further conversation/exploration/involvement beyond being a customer.
Thanks for the post Paul.
Cheers
Stephen G
I asked my mother once, having just been told for the 200 gazillionth time that I was “irresponsible”, “What is responsibility?”. I got a hiding and was told not to be a “smartarse”.
I asked similar questions of so called ‘elders’ as I grew…questions like “What is an attitude? and How do I change one?” Such questions were met with various expressions of similar disdain…but never an answer.
I had to find out for myself…
When someone says to me ‘nothing personal, it’s just business’, I say “What do you think I am? A toaster?…”, or something to that effect. I just can’t swallow that stuff…and I think your article touchs on this in a very peronable way.
Often people have no idea what your business actually is, does and/or what it actually involves. But everyone (especially family…if you’re lucky enough to be on speaking terms :- ), thinks it’s their ‘business’ to know.
For some reason, business has always had some kind of magical secrecy surrounding it. It seems that Web2.0 and digital communications have facilitated a wave of opinion, calling for more ‘openness’/'transparency’…but the secrecy remains secreted behind an ever increasing cloud of professionally contrived ‘personal speak’…and links to ‘annual reports’.
Perhaps underlying the traditional ‘attacks’ on what one does not understand, is a natural response to behaviour percieved as ‘unnatural’,'disconnected’ and/or ‘impersonal’…in this context ‘nothing personal, it’s just business’ becomes the symptomatic description of behaviour that human nature finds emminently ‘resentable’ and/or ‘offensive’.
It seems to me that people often feel as uncomfortable asking about one’s business as business people do giving an open, personable, believable description that invites further conversation/exploration/involvement beyond being a customer.
Thanks for the post Paul.
Cheers
Stephen G
Oops! Sorry about that…the double post (insert red face here)…I have no idea how I did it.
Thank you, Catherine and Stephen, for being so generous in your comments. I feel very lucky to have such a diverse range of honest stories and opinions.
Hi Paul,
I so enjoyed this post I can relate to it so well. I am one of the very fortunate people who has a mother that supports me, and very rarely has anything negative to say, certainly never with regards to work or business. My siblings and friends are another story, very rarely do you get anything positive, busy lecturing and chastising, so have learnt not to say anything about business or work situations.
Thank you for post Paul
Having learned a little of your family situation, Clare, I was really hoping you’d comment on this post. And you didn’t let me down. Thank you!
Wonderful post, as always. But this one, Paul – this one hits very close to home.
I’m Greek – both sides, 100%. Restaurant family. In 1976 when I announced I was going to be a Theatre major in college…stunned disbelief. To this day, after a pretty good amount of stage success and now with writing doing pretty well and radio…well, still hunting for my daily program…I still hear nothing. I hear things from OTHER people that’s been said about me. But directly? No.
Though I’ll always love my family, I’ve long-ago given up expecting to hear anything. And really, to put one’s validation in the hands of anyone else, especially family, is more often than not setting one up for disappointment.
Wow, Christopher! This is one of your shorter comments, but it sure is potent! Thank you for sharing your very personal story AND validating my feelings AND offering sage advice. I feel honoured to receive your priceless input. Thank you.
I’m sorry I missed your twitter polling on this! Wonderful post, as they all are.
The other day I was trying to wrap my mind around a similar situation that plays out within my own family. They are kind and loving but when it comes to career talk… silence. My parents hardly ever read anything I write. I have also written and illustrated a number of children’s books (not published at this moment) and they haven’t ever commented on them either. It’s an odd dynamic and I hope we are never like that with our children. I’m just not sure where it stems from.
Great post Paul and some excellent comments as well! I think families are a very interesting thing really. I think possibly Catherine’s comment about trying to look at if from another perspective was really pertinent.
In my own family, my parents are very supportive in their actions however what they say is a totally different thing
They’re always there for me whenever humanly possible, particularly given their ages and the fact they live in Adelaide and I in Melbourne.
At the drop of a hat they’re over here to run my children around and cook and wash for me if I need to go interstate or if things are just plain hectic! Which is SOOO fabulous however the flip side of that is, they feel it gives them the right to ‘air’ their concerns.
Given that I’m also a parent I am also now beginnig to see the ‘Other Side’ of the equation ;( I now have these absolutely divine individuals, who I’ve spent years nuturing, caring and loving, protecting them from the cold, hard realities of life while stimulating a positive, optimistic belief in themselves and the world around them.
I’ve preached follow your passion and the money will follow, focus on what you really want … etc etc etc … (the principles I live my own life by …)
But now … my heart is in my mouth, I worry that they’ll be able to support themselves, that they’ll have money in the bank and food on the table and enough put away for a decent retirement! So it’s not that I doubt there ability to succeed … it’s more that I just want their lives to be so wonderful and I care so damn much about the outcome!
Love life and live it creatively,
Leanne
http://www.YourSuccessfulMind.com
Dear Wendy, you continue to impress with the range of your skills. Writing AND illustrating; I can’t wait to see your books! It sure is odd how those who suffer and sacrifice to bear and raise us aren’t always interested in what we go on to produce.
Mum read everything I wrote, even though dystopian speculative fiction wasn’t really her bag. Dad read Page 1 of Book 1 and went no further. Such a bummer, when his tuition was instrumental to my becoming a writer. I just don’t get it!
Alas, I don’t have kids, but I do take an intense interest in the (albeit limited) exploits of my dogs and fish. I often wonder if I’d be any good as a dad… Thank you for another brilliant contribution!
Dear Leanne, you sound highly qualified to comment on this debate. Your words made me realise that I should give credit where it’s due and state that Dad has always dropped everything to help me 100% when the chips have really been down. Thank you for taking the time to articulate your multi-faceted perspective; I really value it!
The correct response to How’s business? (phase 1, 2 or 3) is
You wouldn’t believe it!
Top answer, Larry! Thank you for visiting our space.
I’d much rather someone give me an true answer than a correct one… :- ) In business terms, I wonder just how much of the current global financial situation is attributable to ‘correct’ answers? Would ‘true’ ones hsve been less costly to the economy? (I think it’s reasonable to point out that when people refer to the ‘Economy’, they are talking about ‘us’: people). What is Sustainable Business Practice anyway? And where does it start…really?
I agree, Stephen, that truth is best. Yet the entire world seems arrayed against its telling. Tom Hanks in ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’ faced an excruciating choice. He lied. Would we?